Blurred happiness wearing 'Nanny's Nana' that Sam used to wear.

Adam concentrates on the playstation

Can you see the bags under our eyes?

Bloody football!!! It’s great that England are doing so well (ah-hem…..), but give us a break – 11pm kick offs are the earliest! Heaven forbid we get to extra time and penalties – we’ll need to buy matchsticks in industrial quantities. I would just like to put it on the record now that the Socceroos woz robbed! Thank you, I have said it, I shall now move on…..

It’s been a busy few weeks again. I don’t know where the weeks disappear to! This week, Sam has a school trip into Perth. He is VERY excited. I however, have to compete with Mum’s trip to M&S and a bill of £30 to provide a ‘special’ packed lunch for him whenever he went on a day trip with Templewood. I’m gonna have trouble with that one! I might do him a hard boiled egg and tell him to be grateful after his antics last week!

On Friday, Sam informed me it was his ‘news’ day at school, but as he didn’t have any news exciting enough, he made up an elaborate story about Darcie falling off the trampoline and breaking her leg! ‘My whole class feel really sorry for you, Darcie’ he told her! I didn’t think much of it as Sam constantly has a pimple on his tongue from little white lies! On Saturday, we were having a girls night out and one of the Mums phoned me to see if I was still going as she didn’t realise Darcie has broken her leg!! Part of me was disgusted that he would make up such a nasty story as he didn’t have any news, and the other half was proud for his ability to think on his feet! Anyhow, at the time of this phonecall, Sam was at the skate park. I’d given him my mobile just in case I needed to call him home - he rang ME about five times!! – so the next time he phoned, Paul asked him what the Darcie/leg story was all about? Quick as a flash, Sam replied ’ah, yes…… about that……. Gotta go – sorry, bye!!’ How cheeky can you get?? Saturday Sam spent the whole day in and out of the house with friends, down to the skate park, over to the shop, into his mate’s houses….. it was a real Piccadilly circus.

I had a fab night out with some girl friends on Saturday night. We went into Mandurah, had a bottle of wine in a bar and then on to dinner in a nice restaurant. We had a real giggle and it was lovely to let our hair down and enjoy ourselves.

Sunday we braved the local pool and took the kids swimming. It’s quite cool there – they have a water slide, a beach section, lots of bubbles and one of those river things that takes you along in a current. For all of us to swim and Paul to have a sauna cost less than £7. Sam tried the water slide out, and asked the lifeguard how old you had to be to ride. He said that you had to be six – ‘no problem’, pipes up Darcie ‘I’ll just lie and tell him I’m six already!’ are you noticing a theme with my children? Darcie tried it and declared it to be ‘awesome’.

Today I helped out in Darcie’s class at school. I picked a good day as they had a travelling music group and had to do 'stuff all' other than sit on my bum and listen to four people play more instruments than I have ever seen in my life! It was excellent and the kids really enjoyed it. They sat still brilliantly for such young kids and then joined in with so much enthusiasm when they were asked. It was lovely to watch.

One thing’s for sure, we’re all looking forward to Christmas. That’s ‘Christmas in July!’ It’s a big thing here as July is the middle of winter and the closest I suppose we can come to a traditional cold UK Christmas. They have office parties, Christmas dinner/dances in restaurants and decorations. Should be interesting! I’ll keep you posted on that one. There’s even a local nature reserve which offers the following:

Santas Bibbulmun Vacation:
For the young and young at heart! An easy 5km return stroll to meet Santa and friends on holiday from the North Pole at a Bibbulmun Track timber shelter! Enjoy a BYO picnic while listening to Santas stories. Then experience a magical return by torch light following the reflective Waugal trail markers. Location advised after booking. 1 hr from Perth. Ages 3yrs and up. Includes small gift for children. Max 2 adults per child. Max 2 children per adult. Suitable for robust pushchairs.
How cool does that sound! Fancy bumping into Santa on his holidays!! Just a bugger that it’s full already for this year. I’ll have to try and remember to book it for next year – it won’t be the same in December in 40 degree heat and legions of flies.
Adam’s potty training is going from bad to worse. I’m thinking of enrolling him in puppy training classes instead. He’s a nightmare! Knows exactly what to do, just refuses to do it! He’s got a terrible habit of sleeping with his hand down the front of his nappy. No word of a lie, I got him out of bed the other morning and his hand was white and wrinkled like he’d spent all night in the bath! Nice, eh?
Stop Press: Adam has actually used his potty twice today – once as a hat and the other as a step….. only joking! HE DID IT!! We have to ‘high five’ after the event, have a huge self-congratulatory back slapping session and then do the whole ‘bye-bye wee wee’ routine where we smile, wave and wish it well on it’s travels. The joys of parenthood, eh? Not to mention the fact the he goes round all day with no pants on (one thing at a time – he can’t get to the potty AND remember to pull his pants down too), winking at us when he bends over!

We have reached a milestone within our emigration journey. Last week, Paul got a speeding ticket. To be honest, we are surprised that we’ve gone this far without one as they are really hot on it here with mobile speed cameras hidden in bushes, with Police officers that just jump out at you and blind you with a flash so bright, it’s like a shooting star two inches from your nose. I wouldn’t mind but:

(a) they tell you on the TV news the night before where the speed cameras are going to be located,

(b) I had literally 30 seconds before the flash told Paul to slow down as it was a common spot for speed cameras and then (probably MOST annoyingly),

(c) Paul did the same bloody thing two days later and another one flashed in his face at Mach 4!

He did think about contesting it using the Navman software, but thought better of it as the download showed him breaking the speed limit several more times and at a slightly faster speed than he was caught at during the same journey. It’s a huge revenue generator for the government and they will send a ticket for 3kms over the speed limit. Driving whilst drunk (or certainly over the limit) is acceptable though and most Aussies consider it to be perfectly normal!! They have a warped sense of danger when you consider that the average speed limit on a freeway is 80kph which equates to 49 miles per hour!! If and when we ever return to the UK on holiday a trip on the motorway will make me feel like Penelope Pitstop zooming along at breakneck speed (the kids are obviously the Anthill Mob – eh,eh,eh we’re all gonna die………). I’ll feel like bloody Michael Shumacher at speeds of 70MPH! I don’t think I’ll be able to handle the speed after so long of driving at a snails pace.

Just something quick that make me laugh this week..... I'd put Adam to bed and he was crying his eyes out (as ususal - he likes to enter his sleep-state through cried-out exhaustion!). I said to him 'for heaven's sake Adam, stop screaming! The neighbours will think I'm murdering you!!' Five minutes later, a very upset Miss Parcel appears in the doorway. After much coaxing, I get her to tell me what's wrong..... 'well, you just said that if Adam doesn't stop crying, the neighbours are going to come from next door and murder him!' Isn't life strange in a 5 year old's head? It's a scary place in there, and I wouldn't like to enter without a rope being tied round my middle - just in case I got caught up in her vivid imagination and was stuck there forever - and I'm NEVER playing chinese whispers with her either!

On that note I'm off to crawl to the kitchen for another G&T. Take care all xxXXxx

P.S. Would just like to say get well soon to Julia's Aunty Joyce and Paul's Aunty Mary who are both in hospital at the moment. Love to both and we hope you get better very, very soon xxXXxx

Come on the ‘Socceroos!!’ (and England too!).

Another busy couple of weeks on Planet Delaney. Last weekend we had a BBQ for England’s first match of the world cup. It was ‘live’ on the TV at 9pm which felt a little strange, but we wrapped up and had a few friends over and toasted England’s success (even if it was by default!). We did really well and managed to keep everyone awake until midnight – unheard of in Australia! Everyone likes to be tucked up in bed by 10pm, but you don’t want to know what obscene time they are up in the mornings! It was a giggle, plus the extra body heat kept the house a bit warmer.

I also took the kids and two friends to the cinema to watch ‘Cars’. It was a good film and the kids enjoyed it, although we were so high up on the back row of the cinema, I’m surprised oxygen masks didn’t fall down half way through the film. Three trips to the toilet each was quite reserved, too, don’t you think – NOT! It was strange though, being on the back row of the pictures on my Wedding Anniversary…….. with four children under 8! I can’t believe we’ve been married 11 years now. Doesn’t time fly? So much has happened in those 11 years! What will we be like on our silver anniversary, I wonder? Where will we be then? God, Sam will be 23!! Doesn’t bear thinking about really, it’s just too scary. Although I think he’s heading there fast. He won’t leave the house for school now without hair gel and Darcie came into my room on Saturday, ready for the pictures with blue eyeshadow smeared all over her face from the nostrils upwards like an accident prone lolita! She was dressed in her Snow White outfit – I think she thought she was attending the premiere, not a Saturday afternoon showing in a sleepy backwater!



The kids also had a sleepover on Friday – by this, they mean they all ‘slept over’ in Adam’s room. Darcie and Sam de-camped with duvets and pillows onto the floor in Adam’s room. Adam, however is NOT daft and crept into our bedroom about ten minutes after the others fell asleep! He obviously decided he didn’t fancy sleeping on the floor like a rug! They enjoyed themselves though and must have watched non-stop videos for three hours before they finally nodded off. They are just gutted that Adam has got the little TV in his room now. One of the kids that came over on Saturday was amazed that Adam knows how to turn the TV on, insert a video and play/rewind and fast forward as and when required. He often disappears into his room to watch the Tweenies and then when I go and check on him, he’s watching Thomas! I think I should set up another string to our visa-bow and set up a video programming business – I can send Addy round to help all the old folk in the area who can’t set the timer to record on their videos, or try and play a DVD in their microwave.

Adam was a little git today and was watching the Tigger Movie in his room. He was really quiet (for a change) and really enjoying the film, and when I went to check on him for the third time, he’d whipped his nappy off and made his own little ‘pooh’ on the carpet! Charming! It doesn’t help that the kids encourage him to get ‘nudie’ at every possible opportunity! He knew what he was doing as he’d even moved his bloody potty so he could crap whilst having a better view of the telly!

Darcie had an eventful week at school and got sent home early on Monday after she was accidentally whacked in the eye with a tennis racket by her best mate! So much for taking her to the pictures – is that the thanks we get? Tee hee! We all thought she was going to be left with a huge shiner, but luckily it hasn’t gone black – just a fetching shade of purple. It was quite appropriate as today the school was visited by a hospital familiarisation group who travel around getting kids used to hospitals just in case they ever need treatment. I had visions of picking Darcie up looking like Pudsey bear with a huge eye bandage!

We got our final costings through for the ‘additionals’ on the house today. Not too bad – a few things that we cut out that were a bit extortionate, but on the whole OK. Once we get the form signed and returned, hopefully it should be ‘all systems go’ and they should be on site by August. We have our building license sitting in our file ready, and the services have all been applied for, so come on – let’s get the damn thing built, shall we?? I shall visit the site every day with sandwiches and a thermos flask (the time of year will dictate the contents: August – November = hot soup, December - Feburary = iced tea, March – May = Pimms, June – August = neat vodka!) and make a nuisance of myself, so that the tradesmen will just want to get the house built to get rid of me. I shall devote my life into becoming their stalker – watching every brick being laid, examining every ‘noggin’. Ah, yes, I shall be a nightmare!

On a final note, the kids had their assembly today and we had to stop whilst the Deputy Principal ushered a sea gull out of the assembly hall much to Adam’s delight. All through the school song he shouted ‘sea dull’ and then wandered off behind the bird like a little Forrest Gump in a huge winter coat two sizes too big for him......... life is like a box of chocolates.......... and we've got all the hard centres at the moment!

Hello Blog fans.

Welcome to the upside down world of the Delaneys. It’s been an exciting couple of weeks since the last update – some good / some not so good! I have finally realised what Mum said all along is SO true; ‘you can choose your friends, but not your family’. Thanks to some pretty shitty emails from the UK, I now know who falls into both categories and have been upset by all the cattiness to be honest. I just think that people’s jealousy rears it’s head in some very strange ways.

I did think about not continuing with the blog as their attitude got to me so much – but this is for our benefit as much as the people who read it, and I enjoy looking at the old entries and seeing how much we’ve done - so 'knickers!' to them and I shall carry on…..

We’ve now ‘done’ the pre-start on the house. We’ve chosen colours and themes and roofing and guttering and block paving and …… the list seems endless! We’re just waiting for the list of updated costs for our extras to come through (should be the end of this week), and then we’ll have to sit down with a red marker pen and decide what things are reasonable in the price department, and what costs are ridiculous and need to be taken out. Paul ended up going to the electrical pre-start on his own as Adam and I were ill – and managed to spend $7,000 extra (love you!!) on electrical sockets, Foxtel/TV points and lighting. I dread to think how much the ‘proper’ pre-start extras list will be. We’ll just have to be ruthless and ask ourselves what’s needed and what’s completely OTT (like Paul’s outdoor projector and screen complete with surround sound and fold away screen! – of course, my spa bath is an absolute necessity! Do you know I haven’t had a bath since Easter when we were in Sydney. Our bath here is fun size – you can either wash your ears or your toes – not both at the same time). We still keep driving past the lot of land. I don’t know what we expect – probably that we drive past one day and the house has just appeared as if by magic! Perhaps we should plant some bricks and see if a house grows – just like Jack and his magic beans.

Last weekend we took the kids to a ‘Day out with Thomas the Tank Engine’ at Whiteman Park. How funny was that! Apart from the fact that I had a stinking headache and we had to leave early when I threw up in the car, the trains just had faces painted on them. Even Adam wasn’t fooled! We kept saying ‘look! There’s Thomas!’ and he would swivel round – look straight at the train, then look back at us like we were mad!!

Sam has been poorly again, he then passed it on to Adam, who passed it on to me. Paul is constantly bunged up with his nose problems anyway, so it goes without saying that Paul is feeling rough. Darcie still continues to defy medical science with her ability to stay ‘well’. I’m convinced it’s because her bedroom is such a pig sty – she must be subjected to so many strains of e-coli (due to the mouldy sweets under her bed) and MRSA (if it’s the flesh-eating type, it can come and gnaw a couple of kilos off of my legs) due to the pong from her socks, she is proving impervious to the bugs and lurgies. It’s as if we’ve bred our own super-human cast iron daughter – like a pink Dolly the Sheep.

Paul today phoned the GP surgery to make an appointment for the results of his stress test and 24 hour heart monitor. It was like a scene from Fawlty Towers when he rang. The nurse was ‘covering’ reception and Paul only asked if the results were in and could he make an appointment, when the nurse preceeded to tell him all the results of the tests and give him her diagnosis. She then said ‘it’s up to you if you want an appointment, it says here there’s no follow-up required’. Great, says Paul – what about the medication I’m on – it’s quite strong, I think it would be for the best if I came in to see a Doctor. ‘If you reckon’ came the reply. It was such a farse! You could imagine the whole diagnosis made by this nurse on the phone, only for her to realise that she’s been holding the bloody notes upside down, and it’s not an ingrowing toenail, but a brain tumor!! Needless to say, Paul has a Dr’s appointment booked for Thursday. We’ll see how that goes, shall we?

Darcie had an exciting weekend with her first ever sleep over! She loved it – I was a wreck! I just couldn’t settle all night. I wanted to phone on the hour, every hour, but Paul persuaded me not to. It just seemed so weird when I tucked the boys in that night and Darcie’s bed was empty – like there was part of me missing. I didn’t like it at all! Paul kept looking at his watch, saying ‘d’you know, that girl still isn’t home! She’s going to be in such trouble in the morning……’ I sat there all night with my arm at right angles to my body – Paul wondered what on earth I was doing, but I just explained that there was no chick under my wing! I had a partially empty nest. I don’t know how I’m going to cope when they’re out clubbing or (even worse) start driving. I might as well start the sleeping tablets now……. At least Sam’s love match has cooled off a little, so I’ll still have the boys at home (practising their trolley action and mincing along with tea and coffee) for a good few years, I hope.

I don’t think I’ve shown you much of Secret Harbour, have I? I’ll start now introducing you to the neighbourhood and posting some piccies of our ‘house’. The shopping centre is coming on really well – it’s due to be open for Christmas trading, and the Senior school is well under way too. Our new house will be sandwiched between the new primary and secondary schools – ideal for the kids, although not so well planned when we have 10 kids round at ours for lunch and they eat us out of house and home. So far, Secret Harbour has a chemist, gym, community centre, two primary schools, a Doctor’s surgery, bakery, two estate agents, a golf course, two cafes and a deli. A surf club, too many play parks to mention (we are finding new ones to visit after school all the time) and loads of cycle / running paths. Under construction are the new shopping centre (which will house a big Woolworths – amongst other stores), a senior school and a multi-million dollar sports centre. There is also a train line connecting Perth to Mandurah which will mean we can get to the city in under 40 minutes and they are extending the freeway and moving it further away from the coast road, so Secret Harbour will be even more lovely. There is also talk of a petrol station, but things are still subject to change with the Developers. Here’s the link to Satterleys (the developers) www.satterley.com.au/go/residential-estates/secret-harbour and the Secret Harbour Whisper www.secretharbourwhisper.com.au/ (like the Residents Association). You can also read the kid’s school newsletters, www.shps.edwa.net.au/newsletter/newsletter.htm

This was our piece of land when we bought it on our 'reccie' in February 2005.

And this is what it looks like now! The two houses you can see will be our neighbours! Our house will have to fit on that corner block in between!

This is the view of the shopping centre going up as taken from Secret Harbour Boulevard.

And this is the new Senior school - looks even better since this photo was taken!

I hope you all enjoyed your Bank Holiday and the kids are enjoying their half term. We’ve got a Bank Holiday next weekend (for a change) for Foundation Day. Don’t know what that’s all about, but the weather’s due to be nice, so who cares, we can take the boat out. The kids have still got another six weeks to go before they get another break from school – we’ve only done four since they went back after Easter! They are still loving school and Adam is settling at day care (somewhat begrudgingly!). The weather is starting to turn and last week we had our first storms of the season (actually there was a mini-tornado about 10kms up the road from us!). It’s supposed to rain for ten days solidly according to the weather forecast for late next week. I might have to live on the boat. As least I’d be safe if we had a flood – although I couldn’t steer the damn thing to get anywhere, I’m usually too busy being strangled by Adam to be allowed to drive!

Take care until the next update.

The Eagle has landed!!!

After a week of teetering on the edge, industrial wobbling and lots of apple crunching – Darcie’s first tooth has bitten the dust. To say she’s excited is a bit of an understatement, and now she’s forcing herself to stay awake so that she can feel how soft the tooth fairy’s wings are! Daft moo!

The hole does look like the size of the Grand Canyon, but I’m sure it will look a lot better tomorrow. I’m relieved. I was starting to think that she was super-gluing it back in before she went to bed at night. Sam’s sleeping with his head under the pillow to see if he wakes up toothless but with a wad of cash – I might do the same, but I’m hoping for a scale and polish :-) have you seen how expensive a trip to the Dentist is over here???

Adam’s had a haircut today and he looks about 12! What is it that makes kids look older, just by having their curls cut off? Here’s a picture of him on the sofa watching Kipper that he demands in a 20 decibel scream. Kipper is his favourite at the moment and I must admit, I love the catchy theme tune! Thomas is 'past' favourite – it is already in the Hall of Fame and goes without saying! He also likes the Tweenies. I’ve had to play him videos, as the Tweenies is about the only kids programme the BBC doesn’t export. We get Noddy, Balamory and Bob, but no Tweenies. I’ll have to open some boxes and get him some more videos out as even he must be getting fed up with ‘Gonna build a house’ by the 2ooth airing! We get The Wiggles and Hi5 a lot on the TV, but I just can’t help thinking how weird four grown men in coloured sweaters are. They should be sitting in a pub talking about footie, not doing stupid dances and singing about warm vegetables (Hot Potato is one of their 'classics'). They all go out in a boat together, on pirate ships together and perform high kicks whilst playing the piano. They all look fresh from a social services register if you ask me, and as for the Hi5 bunch – no one can be THAT happy all the time. They must all be on Prozac mixed with Vimto, I think.

Before you report me to Social Services, the mark by his eye is where he fell off the bed - yes, our 2 year old son has a carpet burn! Although he's lucky - with our naff carpet, if he'd have got any speed up and there had been a spark, the whole house would have gone up - not that it's cheap, nylon carpet or anything! Adam woke crying one night and came into our room, only to wriggle off the bed at 4am and make the mark by his eye. He now takes great pride in his war wound and points to it, telling people 'bed' and looking very sorry for himself. Aahhh, poor lambkin.

What else can I tell you about…… not a lot exciting I’m afraid. We’re making lots of enquiries about the house build, so that’s keeping us busy and we’ve had lots of business enquiries this week, which is fabby. Sam’s booked in for a soccer course that starts on Friday. Some of his mates are going, so he’s chuffed. Darcie’s class are having a Mother’s Day (which is Sunday in WA) art display on Friday with coffee and biscuits which will be nice. They have decorated the window of the classroom with painted hearts – they’ve done one each – and Darcie says they’ve been working hard on surprises that she can’t possibly tell me about…..unless I forget straight after :-)

Just a short update as I just wanted to post the pictures really. Oh, and before I sign off

Happy Birthday Ben and Beth

.......and

Happy Birthday Nanny D for Friday

Hello my little possums. How are we all? One at a time please……. that’s better. In answer: J: the cream will clear that up. F: never mind, there’s always next time and S: well what to you expect if you do it twice a night! Any more problems, feel free to email me – the Doctor is always IN J

This week has gone by in a blur yet again. If we moved to OZ for a quiet life, we woz robbed and want our money back as so far, it ain’t happening! Sam and Darcie went back to school on Tuesday and Adam went into daycare. He cried (as was to be expected). I don’t know if it was through missing me, or his mates of the train variety…. He can now tell you which train is which, by name. His favourite is Toby, but he also knows Thomas, Gordon, Percy, Henry and James by sight and squeals with delight when Thomas comes on the TV. They’ve got a ‘Day out with Thomas’ at a local train line in May and we’re taking Addy along. I think he may burst a blood vessel with excitement though, so he will have to be closely monitored throughout the day. If his excitement level exceeds fever pitch, I may need to sit him in a quiet place with a drink and a brown paper bag to breathe into, just to get his thrill levels down to a manageable state. He upset Sam last week when his Hornby magazine arrived by grabbing it from him and carrying it round the house – showing everyone and anyone who’d look the ‘twains’. Sam wasn’t impressed. He always likes the ‘send us a picture of your model railway’ page and was less than chuffed when he realised Adam had folded the pages. He likes to keep his back issues pristine! OCD in the making if ever there was!

Darcie went to play with her NBF (new best friend) Amy after school and they have plotted sleep overs and days out together at the weekend. Resistance is futile, they are like the Gestapo. They wear you down. Sooner or later, we will give in to them for a quiet life. This they know. It is our weakness. They work like this: It is 9pm. We are sat in front of the TV with a glass of wine zombie-like with exhaustion after the 20th time of putting them to bed. They creep up to us whilst we are engrossed in ‘Dancing with the Stars’ (which I don’t know why we watch anyway, because we can’t tell who’s the star and who’s the ‘professional’ dancer!), and whisper in a voice so quiet that it can only be heard with a laboratory strength microphone ‘is it OK if my friend comes for a sleep over on Saturday’. You naturally grunt ‘whatever – just PLEASE go to bed!’ which then they see as victory as you didn’t say no! I don’t know who teaches them this technique. I blame Tony Blair As this is probably the tactic he uses to get his policies through Parliament.

Sam has a NBF also (of the female persuasion!). He has been round to her house, got me to speak with her Mum on the phone and he has invited her round on Sunday to ‘play’. They are SO grown up and sensible, it’s fab. Sam came home with her phone number from school, phoned her up and she invited him round to hers. The next day, she phoned here and that’s when they arranged to meet up on Sunday. I won’t say too much as Sam will get embarrassed. Of course, Paul and I didn’t help this by pinning him down and singing ‘Puppy Love’ to him four times in a row. I was up until midnight yesterday, sorting out all of his embarrassing naked baby photos to show her when she comes over. I’ll teach you for embarrassing me in Tesco’s for all those years mate!!

Sunday update: Sam woke me with coffee and toast this morning and asked when he could phone his friend. I said that seeing as it was Sunday, he should probably wait until at least eleven. He said OK and then set the oven timer for an hour, so he’d know when it was time to phone!! Sam rang her and she said she’d come over at 12 – then Sam panicked that he didn’t give her our address! I’ll give her til 1, then I’ll phone her back; just in case. As it was, she phoned at 12.45 to say could Sam come and get her as she didn’t know which house we lived in. Before you could say ’no worries’, Sam had his bike out of the garage, cycle helmet on and was racing round the corner. They had a good time and went to the shops to get some lollies (sweets). They went out on their bikes, and when it was time for her to go home at 4, Sam rode home with her. Don’t you think that’s just SSSOOO grown up – for 8 year olds! I’m very proud of him. He’s told her Mum and Dad to come over and meet us for a glass of wine next weekend and he’s looking forward to introducing us all.

Oh, the funny thing is that Sams friend’s Dad works for Dentaway. Sam apparently asked him if he could have a look at his Nanny’s car as that’s got more dents that paintwork! Gotta love ‘em!

I’m already starting to realise what it will be like when Sam and Adam get girlfriends - no doubt Sam will spend more time with her family than he does with us. I know it’s silly, but I felt really sad about it in the week when he was at her house for an hour or so. Paul just said, ‘get used to it – that’s what it’s like for the mother of boys!’ I could have cried! I shall insist Adam is gay and never leaves home. He must have all his friends over to our house, where they can advise me on hair, make up and dress sense (gay men are good at that!). Sam’s got his NBF, Darcie’s got her boyfriend at school and Adam loves trains! There you go – problem solved! I think I’ll go out this week and buy him an anorak. It is getting chilly and they’re very practical.

We really need to get our fingers out with the house now as we are due for pre-start and have a date through of 23rd May. We’ve got an appointment with the interior designer who works for the builders next week (who says you can’t buy taste?). So hopefully she tell us what goes and what doesn’t. We went looking at kitchen appliances and tiles today. We want the whole of our bathroom tiled in an ‘expensive hotel’ polished porcelain look. We saw some lovely tiles, but when the lady gave us the price, we nearly keeled over. I only wanted to have some tiles laid in the bathroom – not pay off the National Debt of Papua New Guinea!! So we shall have to meet a compromise of form and function / taste and budget. It’s very easy for the budget to gallop out of control. A few grand here, couple of grand there, and before you know it, you’ve got the most expensive bathroom in the Southern Hemisphere. It all starts to become a blur after a while and you end up obsessing over the ‘right’ shade of beige! As the Ozzies say – ‘build a bridge……get over it!’ Once the flooring’s down, no-one will give a toss whether it’s from the ‘economy’, ‘budget’ or ‘FO expensive’ range. I’m sure it will all come together. I spent all morning Friday cutting pictures out of magazines of things that I like to give the Interior Designer an idea of my taste. Paul came in after two hours and berated me for my pictures of George Clooney and Pierce Brosnan and informed me that I was supposed to be collecting pictures of interiors we liked for the house. I had obviously misunderstood the brief!

We’ve got to get quotes for the air conditioning this week which will be expensive. We have to be able to tell the builders where the outlets need to go, so this is an urgent job. We are going for reverse cycle aircon, which also heats in the winter and heaven knows, we need that – it gets VERY cold here in the evenings. So much to do…….

Business is picking up slowly. Lots of enquiries, but most of them are over East which is a bit of a bummer. The radio ads start running this week, although they say they take four or five times of listening before the brain is actually triggered into acting on them (although this is Australia, so four or five may well be in the hundreds….. we shall have to see!). Our ads appeared in The West Australian last week and we had a few phone calls (admittedly less than we would have liked), but again, they say you have to allow for three of four editions.

Follow the link to hear the radio ads for yourselves.

As I write, Darcie’s first wobbly tooth is holding on for grim death! It has already turned grey, so I know it’s only the tiniest bit of gum that is holding it in. However she is torn between the pain of letting me pull it out and the fear of swallowing it and having to put the Tooth Fairy through the torment of searching through her excrement! I’m sure in the next 24 hours it will be out. I just hope she doesn’t swallow it – she’ll be SO disappointed at having nothing to put under her pillow. Knowing her she model a replacement from a piece of cotton wool, or write a long winded letter explaining what happened and why she still deserves the money!

I haven’t told Adam yet that he’s in daycare for the whole day on Tuesday whilst we go to see the designer. I’ll have to bribe him with something! On his second morning at childcare this week, he knew by my route that we weren’t going home and five minutes from the school, he started sobbing and shouting, ‘NO! DADDY! HOME! NOW!’ I tell you, he is not daft. He’s got a better sense of direction that my Mum! He did manage to give the young girl a wave goodbye when I picked him up on Wednesday – although if you looked closely, I think it was with his index and second finger extended in a V shape.

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Bugger!

Hi Guys. Well what a strange week this week has been. The kids have been on school holiday, but were feeling a bit pants at the start of the week, so they’ve taken things easy. On Monday, Paul and Sam were going to have a ‘boy’s day out’ at the Perth Motor Show. They headed off, happy as can be, only for Paul to phone me at 12 midday to say they were on their way home! They had got all the way there, Paul had paid $12 to park, then Sam said he didn’t feel well and could they go home? I think it was because I made him take his wallet and told him to treat Dad to lunch – such violent spending of his own money has never agreed with Sam! He did look rough though and spent the rest of the day moaning – sorry, recuperating on the sofa.

On Tuesday, they were feeling a bit brighter, so Paul took them to see Disney’s Shaggy Dog. It’s got Tim Allen in and is very funny – the kids loved it. Tuesday was Anzac Day (where everyone honours the fallen soldiers), and a public holiday. They are very strict over here and all the shops were closed, which actually makes a nice change…… until that is, it reached 5.30pm and you realise you’ve run out of tonic for your G&T! Purely medicinal, you understand. If I didn’t have alcohol as the sun sets, I’d turn into a child-batterer of the worst proportions!

On Wednesday Sam spent $73 dollars on stationery to take to school!! Unless you’re Paul reading this – in which case, it was $7.30! He was going halves with Darcie, until she went to pay at the cash desk and only a moth flew out of her pink Gucci-like purse. Sam was gutted, but demanded reimbursement as soon as they got home. Then he continued to berate the young guy behind the counter for the cost of his stationery! ‘It can’t possibly have added up to THAT much – have you added things twice?’ I felt really sorry for the guy! He thought it was highly funny though as he assured Sam that was the correct price for 25 packs of felt tips and what did he expect if he couldn’t control himself in the fibre-tip aisle. I can relate to Sam on this one. I loved spending all my pocket money in WH Smiths and even now, I can spend hours with a stationery catalogue – that’s stationery – not one that’s not moving…… keep up, you lot! All that and he’s complaining now that he can’t find his pencil case and can we go back on Monday to buy a new one? Err – NO!

Thursday went in a blur, but we did go to see some swimming pool places just to get an idea on costings for the future. We should be able to get a BEAUT pool, fully fenced and paved (the surround – obviously! If the pool was paved, you wouldn’t get very wet now, would you?) for less than £15,000. I shall start saving immediately! Wonder if you can get one with Fly buys (the Oz equivalent of Clubcard points? For the amount we spend in the supermarkets, we should be half way there already!). We met with the builder on Wednesday night and we are almost ready for pre-start where you have to pick EVERYTHING prior to build – from colours of render, to type of handles on your lav!! This process can take up to six hours for the ditherers amongst us! I’m just going to let Paul choose everything – and then if it looks crap, it’s ALL his fault. What do you reckon? If I choose, I’m bound to have a recessive gene from my Dad that will surface when I’m picking paint colours and we’ll have the only tangerine coloured house in Western Australia! At least you’d find you way home after a few beers! Mum’s promised to post over Dad’s collection of brass plates for the interior, with his matching tables. They are currently in temperature controlled / disaster proof storage – that is what you call the loft, isn’t it Mum?

On Friday, Paul took the kids to 6PR Southern Cross Radio. www.6pr.com.au Follow the link to listen live – you might just catch our ad! They are running an ad campaign for us starting in a few weeks, so Paul coerced the sales guy into giving the kids a tour! They enjoyed themselves and the guy took them to see all the studios where the shows were being broadcast live from (had a bad vision in my head of Sam banging on the glass and moonie-ing the presenter to put him off – but Paul said he was very well behaved! He must have been as they were treated to Hungry Jack’s (Burger King) on the way home! The only slight disappointment was Sam thought he was going to have his own show and had already picked out a record play list for the ‘Sam Delaney Drive Time Hour’ Ooohh, an hour of Busted, Las Ketchup and the Cheeky girls – what more could the Australian public ask for??

Friday night we went for drinks with some lovely people we’ve met. We had a fab time – arrived at 5pm for drinks and nibbles – fell home at 11.30pm! Ooppss! Marc mixes a fab G&T – that’s all I can say in my defense.

One thing I must tell you about that cropped up whilst we were having drinks with our friends last night was the subject of rude words. Sam explained that Dad had taught him loads of rude words and that he could spell them too! ‘No you cannot!’ I challenged! ‘Can too’, he answered ‘FU*K – see, I can spell it!’ Great, I said, you can spell one of the most offensive words in the English language, but you can’t spell apple! ‘Yes I can,’ answered Sam, ‘A-P-P-E-L’. What have we done – we’ve created a monster. In the words of Homer Simpson ‘D’OH’

Today (Saturday) was spent once again checking out the local A&E healthcare facilities for my darling husband! He’s got an irregular heartbeat now (to add to his collection of ailments – mind you that must mean we’ve made it to ‘I’ in the medical dictionary (I’m hoping!) 9 down – 17 letters to go J ) The Doctor there hooked him up to an ECG machine and he spent the day being examined and watched before they released him with a prescription and a referral letter for his GP. The Doctor was dead dishy! I put lippy on and everything to go and pick Paul up at 5pm and almost shouted at him when I realised he was waiting for me outside A&E! Waste of a juicy tube, that was! Our lives are anything other than boring, aren’t they!

Next week should be interesting as we’ve booked Adam into daycare for two mornings a week. It’s called ‘Boomerang childcare – you’ll be back!’ and the staff seem very nice. It’s compulsory for all staff to have a moustache, but the ladies wear it well! We needed to do something as Adam has been getting more and more clingy ever since we moved – to the point where Paul is now convinced that if it was at all possible for Adam to crawl back inside the womb, he’d be in like a flash! I can’t even have a wee without him trawling the house for me shouting ‘Mummy’ at the top of his bony lungs and carrying a lantern that swings as he walks. It is beyond a joke now. When he was feeling poorly last week, the others weren’t even allowed to talk to him. If they tried to cheer him up, or offer him a drink, he just screamed like an old lady being molested at the bingo! I shall, no doubt, cry like a baby after I’ve dropped him off on Tuesday, but if his experience at the daycare centre in Perth is anything to go by; he will give an Oscar winning performance – heart breaking sobs one minute, then happy as Larry, ram-raiding in the Little Tykes bubble car and picking up girls flashing their knickers on the corner of the sand pit within the time it takes for me to get home. I shall plant a CCTV camera in his lunch box and watch the evidence back. At least if it doesn’t tell me when he stopped crying, I’ll be able to send the footage to Crimewatch OZ to help them catch the ram-raiders!!

I’ve got to go now. For some strange reason the space bar on my keyboard has started squeaking like I’m squashing a small mouse every time I hit it. It’s very un-nerving and it’s interfering with my comic timing!

Good night everyone – see you in the morning!

Well, where do I start with our news for Easter?

The week leading up to Easter we decided to hire a camper van and visit Monkey Mia (a world Hertiage site) www.monkeymia.com.au where you can paddle with dolphins that come up onto the beach, but after an entire day spent on the telephone trying to arrange accommodation at campsites and drawing a complete blank, we had to cancel it. I think if our business plans fail, that’s what we’ll do – open a camp site. At least if we’re empty the other 51 weeks of the year, we guaranteed to be fully booked at Easter as everywhere in WA seemed full!

The worst bit was that we’d told the kids and they were really looking forward to a break (almost as much as we were!). So Paul got on the phone to the Flight Center and twice the budget later, we were booked on a flight to Sydney! We were travelling on Saturday to return on the Wednesday, late in the evening – fab! Proper shops, people and restaurants. Yippee! But wait! What if we like it more than WA? As we only every visited Perth prior to our visa application, what would we be like if we liked Sydney more? With the type of visa we are on, we have to live in WA for the first 4 years at least. How frustrated would we be if we found somewhere we liked more????

Anyhow, excitement took over and we threw a fortnight’s worth of possibilities into a case and headed for the airport. We fly with Virgin Blue a ‘low-cost’ no frills airline. They weren’t bad, but there were NO frills at all. All food had to be paid for and the new entertainment system that could be hired for the journey had ‘manufacturing issues’ and wasn’t available. So we had a four hour flight with three very excitable kids and a packet of crayons.







Yes, Miss Parcel really did wear her ears and tail to fly to Sydney!











When we arrived it was dark and we had a 45 minute taxi ride which took us over the Sydney Harbour Bridge and gave us our first view of the Opera House. It looked great all lit up and twinkly. Unfortunately, when the taxi driver asked us if we wanted to go via the bridge, we should have realised it was a scam as it probably added another 20 minutes to our journey to the hotel and the taxi bill then came to $100! Nice view, but it wasn’t worth that much!

We were staying in Manly, a beachside suburb to the North of Sydney. It was nice – they had a promenade and it felt like a cross between Spain and a UK coastal resort on a good day – OK a VERY good day! It’s quite a trendy area with lots of couples/or maybe with one child that is SO pampered and protected it is unreal. The restaurants are quite trendy too, with cracked pepper on your breakfast sausage and freshly squeezed ‘jus’. But it made a nice change to having to drive ten miles to pick up a takeaway and having more than a choice of pizza or chicken – they even had an Indian - but it’s still not the same :-(






Darcie poses by the famous bridge.








So, on Sunday we ventured into Sydney and saw the Opera House at close range and the bridge from every angle – unfortunately, Sam wasn’t old enough to climb it as you have to be ten or older. I think Paul was relived – both for the fact that he would have had to of climbed it with him and he doesn’t ‘do’ heights, and also for his wallet which would have been considerably lighter if Sam had insisted! We went on the monorail that took us on a scenic tour round Sydney (I think it only had 6 stops in total – it was a bit like Groundhog Day as I think we’d gone round twice before we noticed we were going past the same landmarks!). Adam loved that – especially when he looked down and saw the train lines below – he froze with excitement. I hate it when he does that, I’m sure I could snap him over me knee – he just goes rigid! I remember Sam did that one day going the pre-nursery. He had a complete paddy and wouldn’t get in his car seat. He went completely stiff as a board, so I karate-chopped him in the tummy, he crumped, and I managed to get him safely installed into his seat! I don’t know where I learn these nurturing mothering tips – certainly not from a Miriam Stoppard book – perhaps I should write a book of my own with all the things that the books don’t tell you that are invaluable to know – I consider myself an expert on most things!)




Sam by the Opera House










So we got off the monorail at the markets and Sam haggled for a remote control flying saucer for $16 (that he flew in our faces for the rest of the weekend!). Nothing else was worth buying – it was like being in Hong Kong – all the stall holders were Chinese and it was the same tat they were selling there for more money.
We headed off to Darling Harbour where there is a lot for the kids to do. Sam and Darcie hired a peddalo for fifteen minutes. How hilarious was that! The two of them went round and round in circles and as the guys running the stall weren’t paying attention and were relying on the kids to come in when their fifteen minutes were up, Sam and Darcie eventually navigated back to the shore after 1 hour, 20 minutes! Sam made the mistake of putting Darcie in charge of steering (don’t you remember the boat incident?). They had lots of fun and we got a chance to sit and have a coffee, before they were off and moaning about the next thing they wanted to do/buy.

How much fun can you have for $12?









The next day we stayed around Manly and the kids played on the beach and Sam hired a boogie board. The waves were very big and the ‘safe’ swim area kept getting smaller and smaller as the surf lifesavers kept moving the flags closer and closer together. In Sydney over the last week they’ve had freak high tides where the waves have been over ten metres high. Luckily they’d calmed down a bit, but they still looked too rough to me! Adam and I snuggled under a towel whilst Sam surfed and Paul held onto Darcie for dear life so she wasn’t swept out to sea like a Little Miss stuffett-Mermaid.

Then, Monday night, disaster struck as Adam went down with a tummy upset. I have never felt so sorry for a chamber maid in my life as I did in the morning! Our room had a cloud in it! I’m not kidding! It’s own layer of Adam-induced fug. He had a very high temperature, so we spent the day round the hotel. We did have a table booked at the Sydney Tower for lunch, but we had to postpone that until Wednesday – fingers crossed Addy would be up for it…… We have learnt lots about little things we want for our new house on this trip also. Scattered between our photos of the kids by the Opera House is a picture of a sink we like, or a balcony (how sad are we!), but it’s made me realise no matter how chic or trendy, I am NEVER, NEVER having white bed linen as after two days it would be a relief map of illness, bed wetting and assorted stains. No, give me a busy floral pattern anyday – hides a multitude of sins. Hey, white may be fashionable, but a pattern is like me, built for practicality, not style!

Wednesday came and he seemed brighter. Still on lots of calpol though. We made it into Sydney and up the Tower. www.sydney-tower-restaurant.com God, that thing’s tall! Paul made a scene when he refused to sit by the window as he had turned green…. The food was naff, but the view was fab! Then, in true ‘curse of the Delaney’s’ fashion, the revolving restaurant stopped revolving! Eventually someone wound it up again, or put another 50p in the meter and we started up again. Only to have the piped music play ‘Bright Eyes’ Paul’s all time saddest song, to be followed by ‘Bridge over troubled Water’. Could they make us any happier?

We headed down from the Tower to take a boat trip round the harbour. This was great, apart from the fact we were ‘invaded’ by Japanese tourists who were all over the boat like fleas! Everywhere you turned, there was a big set of teeth, a pair of glasses and a camera in your face – and they are SO rude and loud! One of them almost stood on Adam’s pram to get that vital two inches of ‘lift’ to get the Opera House at a better angle! That’s when I went down with the lurgy and christened the boat in my own fashion! Thanks, Adam!




Sam's on the right - in case you were wondering!







Luckily after a quick rest at the hotel it was time to go to the airport. Stopping off en-route to say fairwell to Sydney in my own way, we drove at break-neck speed in a taxi being driven by Stirling Moss. I tipped him grandly by filling my plastic carrier bag as we pulled into the departures section – well, if he hadn’t driven like a looney, I might have made it to the terminal.

The flight is longer coming back due to the route. Sydney airport was particularly busy and even the pilot commented that we were being taken on THE longest taxi route in Australia to get to the runway – it felt like he was driving to Perth! Then we had a head wind that added another half an hour onto our journey, so it was going to be five hours, 15 minutes….. and about 2½ hours into that, Sam threw up everywhere and spent most of the remainder of the flight in the toilet.

Oh well – at least we can say it was eventful! We are very glad to be back home though and Paul and I didn’t think much of Sydney. It’s amazing that after five months of life in Perth with no pollution, not a lot of traffic and less people, we both found Sydney smelly, polluted and lacking that ‘something’ that a big city has – maybe that’s Marks and Spencers? We were both slightly disappointed in it and would rate it well below London, New York or Rome. It’s got a few good tourist attractions, but it’s like the Monorail – once you’ve seen them, you’re left wanting more and it’s just not there. At least we have been and experienced Sydney for ourselves and certainly left our marks!!



Oh, and the Easter Bunny still managed to visit in the hotel room (before the illness – although I have never known there to be so much uneaten chocolate in our house!)

Chocolate Bilby!!

Hi all, thanks for tuning in to this week’s instalment of madness from Oz-trail-ya.

Well, what can I tell you this week? I’ve started my Easter Egg shopping this week and have been REALLY eggs-cited to see that they sell chocolate koalas, wombats and bilbies! Couldn’t resist and bought one of each. How fab that they have covered indigenous wildlife in choccy and we can have fun chomping their heads off! They do look cute, although Mum still thinks that the Easter Bunny is preferable to an Easter Bilby! I have to disagree.

The kids are fine. Sam’s gearing up for this week’s assembly that his class are taking. They have made papier mache animals and learnt songs about marsupials – I can’t wait. I shall be taking my camera and video – because I can!

On Saturday a few of the ex-pats from the forum met up in Mandurah. It was good to see everyone. The sun was shining and the kids played for hours. Fantastic!

We took the boat out yesterday and didn’t have a major mishap (for the first time!). Sam and Darcie both had a go at driving, although Darcie comes from the slalom school of motoring and we’re all left feeling queasy by the time she’s weaved her way up the river! I tie a rope around Adam and he then has the ‘freedom’ to roam around the boat – occasionally lasso-ing himself, but at least he doesn’t plop overboard! We went up and down the river for a while, then moored at a jetty where they had a climbing frame and a BBQ and we had a picnic lunch. The kids played in the water and made some friends and we stayed about two hours before going for a blam in the estuary. Whilst we were there, the mossies mistook me for an ‘all you can eat buffet!’, so I resemble the elephant man today with all my bumps! I’m sure if you did a dot to dot with them, there’d be a constellation – maybe Ursa Major – or the Plough! Or alternatively, if a blind man were to feel me, I’d probably be the equivalent of a newspaper article.

Paul and I had our photo taken today for an editorial they are running along side our ad in the local press. Good grief – would you buy a security system from these people? Paul looks like Grant Mitchell and I look like an extra from ‘Prisoner Cell Block H’. The sad thing is, this was the best one she took! I did ask her to ‘airbrush me’ so I looked tall and thin. She emailed me later to explain that in order for me to look thin, I was actually 7 feet tall and it made the house look out of proportion, so she would have to go with the original! Thanks mate!

We’ve had ten signs made up (like the one in the picture). We have distributed them around the neighbourhood in our attempt the ‘crack the Australian market’. It was funny the day we had them all lined up after I’d glued them. I said they were my chickens and christened them ‘the girls’. I swear after that they would all shuffle amongst themselves and change position. Anyhow, the ‘girls’ are now all out working their street corners…………… hope they are pulling in the punters!

Sam’s been a bit of a toad again lately, so Paul’s told him if he continues to misbehave, we will send him to boarding school. Paul explained that when his Uncle worked abroad, his cousins still went to school in England and flew backward and forward on their own. Sam thought about this for a while and asked how old they were now and what jobs they did. Paul explained that one has had his own IT business and the other was a film director. Quick as a flash, Sam replied, ‘oh well, at least if I have to go to boarding school, it’ll be good for my career!’ Where in heaven’s name does he get this stuff?

We took Adam out for lunch last week. We were just chatting when he picked up his cup, clattered it against mine and said really clearly ‘Cheers, mate!’. We laughed, so now it’s his new party trick and said at every possible occasion. I’m perservering with the potty training, (although I might have to wait until I’ve been shopping tomorrow to pick up some more kitchen towel!). Honestly, it’s like having a puppy in the house! He says ‘poo’, so I whip his nappy off and wheel out the potty and then he just smiles at me, shouts (really loudly), CAN’T and drops one on the lino. Thank heaven for wipeable flooring. Three times now he’s pooed on the floor. I wouldn’t mind, but I know he understands what is required of him. He’s just being a little shit – literally!

Just had to add this photo of Darcie for Mum. I complained that all the clothes in the shops now were winter ones; thick coats and knee high boots and I only wanted a pair of sandals for Miss Parcel. Quick as a flash, Mum grabbed her shopper, put on her head scarf, pulled her tights up over the waist-band of her skirt and she was in Clarks before you could jump-start a broomstick. This is Darcie modelling her ‘sensible school, navy blue sandals’. She also has a pair of beige ones with co-ordinating accessories and a spangly pair for dancing. Thanks, Mum! Love ya!

Got to go – Darcie’s just come up to me demanding clean-pipers to make the anna tennas for her egg box caterpillar. Never a dull moment, eh?

This blog is like waiting for a bus - none along for ages, then two come at once.

I thought I'd post a few more piccies and give a bit more of an update of life in general......... bored yet? You will be!

On Wednesday's Darcie goes dancing. They laughingly refer to it as 'Jazz Ballet'. I would (more accurately, I believe) liken it to a room of twenty, five year olds with no co-ordination, stomping about like hippos wearing pink tutus! Darcie LOVES it and comes out every week convinced that she's like her namesake Darcey Bussell. (As an aside, we've renamed Darcie 'Little Miss Stuffett' - she ate her Muffett whilst she was waiting! Whenever you look at her lately, she's shoving something into her mouth!). After her first lesson, she informed me to buy her the uniform immediately, as she would be dancing until she retires!

Last week, however, she had a minor breakdown and a mini-retirement, claiming she couldn't possibly go dancing as she was 'exhausted'! I ask you? Five and exhausted? What will she be like by the time she's in her thirties with six kids, done three loads of washing, made six packed lunches, done two baskets of ironing and hoovered the lounge all before breakfast (and probably still gets moaned at by her hubby for forgetting to remind him to take his mobile with him when he left the house!).




This week, she was back on track though and was thrilled to be rewarded with a certificate for showing up - I'm sorry, that should say enthusiasm and effort!! I don't think she could have smiled any wider (she probably would have swallowed her head :-) So I have one very happy daughter this week.



Adam, on the other hand, was the picture of unhappiness today. We had a meeting in Perth, so we had to put him into childcare for a few hours. He's been there before and went rigid with fear and dread as soon as we approached the security doors. The Warders (sorry, childcare staff) are very nice and are used to prizing Adam off my shoulder now with expert ease. This week, it only took ten minutes for the indentations of his fingernails to 'pop out' of my fleshy arms! He would have got an Oscar for his acting today. He was totally grief stricken. There was sobbing and snot and everything! I hid round the corner for five minutes and was upset to discover he'd stopped! How quickly they forget? Felt like popping back round to pinch him - I warrant at least a half hours upset - I'm a GREAT mum! It didn't help that he fell asleep into he car before we arrived at the childcare place, so it kinda crept up on him. He wore himself out by stealing the ham sandwich I made him for lunch out of his lunchbox whilst Paul and I were involved in a 'double or quits' game of 'trust the sat nav, or not?'. A game we play frequently where we question the superior knowledge and guidance of the satellite navigation and try to fool it, by taking an alternative route. Good job she's pre-programmed with a patient, calming voice. She must feel like screaming out sometimes ' for F*&s sake - I said LEFT. Why do I bother? Why do you ask me in the first place if you're not going to listen to me??!!!'

Anyhow, we got to Perth eventually (we succumbed to the greater intelligence of the woman squeezed into a microchip and drove where we were told) and had the meeting. The guy from ADT treated us to lunch too, which was very nice - they had a whole bowl of melted milk chocolate and marshmallows with cocktail sticks that you dunked. I REALLY had to restrain myself from having a Dawn French moment when she put her whole head in the chocolate fountain! Wouldn't have looked that professional I guess!

When I went back to pick Adam up from the prisoner camp, he was asleep. Strapped in a buggy - apparently he's lashed out at another toddler when they dared to touch his hat and had to be restrained.............. only joking. He was really knackered, but kept rolling off the bed, so they put him in the buggy and he went out like a light. So I woke him up and carried him out to the car and he gave me the FILTHIEST looks ever! He is very much like me and will hold a grudge for as longs as is humanely possible. He whinged and moaned all the way home and scowled so hard at me that his eyebrows completely disappeared under a fold of forehead! He hates me! He spent the whole hour on the way back telling his trains what a bad parent I am and how nasty was I to put him in childcare without his complete compliment of rolling stock!

If you say to Adam that we're going out and get in the car, he rushes over to his train table and scoops up as many of Thomas's little pals as his chubby arms will support. You daren't not take them - it's just not worth the face! His personal best for a trip out is four large engines, two smaller ones and three tenders. He knows them all personally and heaven help you if you try and sneak one in your pocket when he's not looking - he has x-ray vision!

Paul went to the shop tonight while I took the kids to the beach (well, Sam and Darcie - Adam would rather have his fingernails pulled out with pliers than venture anywhere near the beach. He has asked me to write and petition the council to have the beach tarmaced as the sand gets in his sandals and the performance of his rolling stock is compromised). Paul was really sweet and brought back chocolate eggs for us all and dished them out in an 'Oscars' fashion. Sam got an award for doing good singing at school today (he was the best behaved and tried hardest in his class), Darcie got hers for her excellent Hippo - sorry dancing yesterday. Adam got one for being a good boy in childcare. and I got one for being an all round good egg!! Paul was most gutted at 7.30 when he realised that he's forgotten to get himself one and no-one would share! We love you, you are our provider and protector - just DON'T ask us to share our choccy!

Speaking of eggs, we're having our Easter Bunny hunt this year by torch light as it's too hot during the day. It won't be much fun discovering twenty pools of chocolate round the garden where the Bunny dropped an egg. Can't wait. Must make sure that batteries are fully charged in the torch, otherwise we'll end up with a chocolate egg with eight huge legs!!! :-)

Sam with his Templewood leaving card that he took to school for 'show and tell'

The kids on the biscuit

Photo of a dolphin as taken from our boat :-)

Off now to unfurrow my sons brow, iron my hippos tutu and polish my son's surf board. Have fun all.

It's Paul's Birthday!!!
(I know it says the 13th on the date, but it's actually the 14th today, so ner ner!!)

I couldn't put the right number of candles on - OK! There's a risk of bush fire here you know!

Paul with his pressie - a painting of the kids I had commissioned for him.

Well my lovelies, thought I’d post a little update from down under. We’ve been busy setting up the business etc, but we don’t have a great deal to show for it at the moment…… it will come. Starting the business in the UK took nearly a year to get any money rolling in and I don’t expect it to be any different here for a minute!

We have, however both passed our Police Licences! I am now a Registered Security Agent and Consultant and Paul is a Security Consultant. This means we can hire security guards, carry out crowd control administration and I quite fancy signing up for the firearms course :-) don't mess with me, I have PMT AND a hand gun! Took hours of studying and tears, that did, but we passed eventually (OK, OK, I was the one who had to take the test twice!) and today we have been issued with our licence numbers. Woo Hoo! I wouldn't mind, but we passed on 28th February and only got the numbers today after we chased them for the third time!

The kids are still very happy at school – although completely knackered! We don’t have half term over here, so when they started school on Feb 1st (apart from Bank Holidays of which we have had two!), they don’t get a week off until Easter!! It’s a long slog – especially for the littlies. At least they are happy and have made lots of friends.

Mr Cheese is growing up by the day. His vocabulary is increasing rapidly. It’s astonishing how much like Sam he is – he is never to be seen without a train in his hand. His first word in the morning is train and he takes a few to bed with him.

Now we have been here for a few months, I have compiled a list of things I love and things that I don’t love as much about Oz. It’s strange the things you miss (apart from friends and family, of course!). I miss being able to walk into town and meet pals for a coffee and cake in John Lewis. Paul misses country lanes(?). I miss Tesco – I know, I know, I NEVER thought I’d miss Tesco! Paul misses a good curry with the curry club! Ooohh, actually, I'd love a rake around Primark for half an hour too.

I LOVE…….
The fact that you can hang your washing out and before it’s even on the line, it’s almost dry!

I DON’T LOVE AS MUCH……..
The fact that it’s so windy and the rotary clothes line whizzes round fast, so I can bend down to pick up the next shirt to be pegged to the line, and get smacked in the face with a wet pair of Sam’s pants…… yuech!!

I LOVE…….
The weather! And the fact that you know when the forecast says ‘sun’, it really will be!!

I DON’T LOVE AS MUCH……..
The weather! And the fact that it can be as hot as 31º at 8.45am and you can’t walk anywhere without dripping in perspiration and smelling like a damp dog!

I LOVE…….
Taking the boat out and watching dolphins at close range.

I DON’T LOVE AS MUCH……..
The supermarkets!! They are pants! I’ve worked it out that the aisles are too narrow and too tall. They do try and cheer them up be adding piped music, but even Samantha Fox singing ‘Touch me!’ doesn’t do enough to stop me wanting to slash my wrists by the time I get to the frozen peas! I honestly don’t know what record collection they dreg either to get the music for the shopping centres. I heard ‘You’re my favourite waste of time’ by that one-hit wonder Scottish bloke ‘Nothings gonna change my love for you’ by the Euro crooner who snogged someone on a beach in the video and ‘So macho’ by Sinitta in the space of a shoe shop and a butchers!

Do you know that over here you can buy coloured tampons (no, I don’t know why, either!), and KY jelly that heats automatically. They sell party pies, icy poles and paddle pops. Stubbies, eskies and ute’s. It’s all ‘good on yer’, ‘she’ll be right’ and ‘no worries’. This place certainly is different!

We went to the boat show in Hillary’s yesterday as a birthday treat for Paul. There were loads of VERY expensive boats there, but something for every budget too. We bumped into the salesman who we bought our boat from and he chuckled at some of our adventures. Wouldn’t want to run the one he was standing on onto a sandbank at $500,000 and 35 foot – Paul couldn’t just hop over the side and push that little beauty into deeper water! It was a nice day – there is a very nice coffee shop there and coffee and cake was very welcome. The kids had a play on the beach for an hour, then we headed off to Chutney Mary’s so Paul could ease his withdrawal symptoms and have a curry. You wouldn’t believe given the number of brits over here the lack of curry houses! It was very nice, but very different to the Bipash :-( Still, it was the spiciest thing that passed Paul’s lips in three months, so he was happy.

After that, we went to Perth Zoo to watch a Queen tribute act. They were very good and the lead singer REALLY sounded like Freddie Mercury. Sam got upset though when her went to the catering stand and wanted to buy Paul a beer for his birthday and they refused to serve him! Bless. He was so upset for ages about that.

Sunday we went to the Crab Fest in Mandurah, although I shall be writing to the council – three hours we were there and we didn’t see one sodding crab! Talk about Trades Descriptions! Although as everything is driven by the unions over here, perhaps one got mis-treated and it was a case of ‘one out – all out’. It was nice weather though and there were lots and lots of people there. They had power boat racing on the estuary (good job we didn’t take the boat out there today as we probably would have taken the wrong turn and found ourselves competing in a race!) and water skiing demonstrations.

Last week we went for a drive inland. It’s not until we came home and looked on Google Earth – we’d been driving for the best part of five hours and only went inland about half an inch on the map! It was typically Australian, some parts of the drive. There was no tarmac and if you looked behind the car, all you could see were clouds of red dust. If you looked to the front, only the yellow kangaroo warning signs and miles and miles of red road.

Typically Australian, isn't it? Not the place to run out of petrol!

We stumbled across the most amazing dam. It was 100 metres tall and the views were amazing. At the bottom there was a picnic area with crystal blue waters. You could see the Yabbies swimming (like little freshwater crayfish). It was lovely. Definitely somewhere we’d like to go back for a Barbie. We also visited a local miniature village based on Abingdon in Oxfordshire. It was beautiful – but it was one of the hottest days we’ve had since arriving, so we want to re-visit in the Spring when all the border plants should be in flower.

The kids at the miniature village.

You've heard of the Yellow Pages - welcome to the Darcie Pages!

It’s been another busy couple of weeks for us all. We’re still working hard at meeting new people and socialising whenever we get the opportunity. There is a BBQ at the golf club every Friday and you buy meat packs from behind the bar, cook your own food and there are two guys on guitars singing and playing. Good fun and there’s a real mix of people that go. We’ve done that for the last two Fridays.

The birthday Fairy at Perth Zoo

So, our little cherub reached the giddy heights of 5 this week. The HRT patches I wrapped for her weren't a hit, but I'm telling you, the way she talks and acts, she'll be in her menopause before I will!

Friday (her actual birthday) was a bitter-sweet day for her as the day before, we had a telephone call from Secret Harbour Primary school to say that a place had become available and did we still want it for Darcie? Well, yes.... fantastic. That means that they can walk or ride their bicycles together and takes alot of pressure off of getting to two schools in the morning..... only for the last two days, Darcie has REALLY bonded with another little girl in her class. I told her the news about changing schools and she jumped for joy "I'll be able to go to the same school as Sam! I'll be able to see him in the playground - and all his friends!" Then her little face clouded over and she got really upset because she wouldn't be able to play with her new friend anymore. How bad did I feel? That's right Darcie, you just put yourself out there, make an effort to get new friends, and I will rip you away from them all again :-( I know it's better to happen now, rather than in a later term, but I really felt bad.

Anyhow, her teacher was really nice and packaged up her work for her to take home. She's done some lovely artwork, it's beautiful! She went to school armed with two cakes, two packs of bubbles to share with everyone and a industrial size package of party poppers. She came home similing!

For her birthday, she got a fish tank, so after school, we took her to the pet shop to pick some fish. It took her ages - she kept choosing the stupid plastic ornaments, rather than the live ones, but we coaxed her and got there in the end! Paul had a scrouge moment when he accused us of buying all the fish in the Indian Ocean (we bought 4!!), but I think she is pleased with her purchases. She's even got a Siamese Fighting Fish in a cold water tank - it's a bully and chases all the other fish.

Darcie and her "Nemo" buddies.

On Saturday, we went to Perth Zoo for her birthday treat. It's lovely there. We went for Adam's birthday last year and everyone agreed they wanted to go back again. They've still got a HUGE crocodile there (350kg / 50 years old's worth!) and the BIGGEST python you've ever seen in your life! The keepers did a talk on snakes and Sam stroked one again - yyuuuccchhh!!

The zoo was fairly uneventful (you know, the usual fun was had watching the animals wee, and the monkeys sticking their fingers up their noses!), until Sam asked in a really loud voice on the African Savanna section, "Mum, Dad, how DO giraffe's have sex?" Urmm..... Errm.......... 'Oh look - over there Sam, it's a Rhino... (quick run!). Where does he get these things from? How does he even know what sex is? Too many worrying questions! Moving on..... Adam loved the penguins and is actually fluent in 'Wark', the penguin language! He stood for at least ten minutes, answering them whenever they called. I must check his toes for webbing later - he can bl**dy talk penguin, but he still can't say 'Sam'!

Darcie waits for the film to start in King's Park:

After the zoo, we went to King's Park to watch Chicken Little at the Moonlight Cinema. I think the people have got even more ostentatious than last year (if that's possible? Australians don't travel light and their picnics could cater for several hundred, rather than the four family members in their party!). The family sitting in front of us, for example, had freshly prepared sushi (with a container of soy sauce, for heaven's sake! - or should that be 'for heaven's saki'?). It does get a bit nippy, but there is something magical about watching a film with several hundred strangers under the stars. They bring bean bag beds, duvets, sleeping bags - you name it - they lug it over car park and dog turd. Mr Cheese LOVED it and as soon as the film started, sat glued to my lap - laughing and clapping at the funny bits.

Sunday we went to the kite festival in Secret Harbour (which was a bit naff!) and afterwards, Darcie had her horse riding lesson. She absolutely loved it. As soon as she arrived, she brushed the pony, they saddled her up together and Darcie was off, on her own! She was steering the pony on her own - I don't even know how to start a horse, (wouldn't have a clue where to insert the key!), she did some trotting, steered in and out of cones and even tackled a little jump. She was fab!

Harvey Smith, eat your heart out!

So, fun over, she's got another new uniform now (I'm not too unhappy - I sold the old one to another parent for $70! :-) I just feel for her having 'another' first day tomorrow. She's such a little star though, I'm sure she'll be fine. I went to the P&C (parents and citizens - like the school association) meeting on Wednesday night and commented on how I had to drive my daughter to a neighbouring school (bah humbug!). I was sitting opposite the Prinicpal, but he didn't comment, but low and behold - the VERY next day, I got the telephone call offering Darcie the place! Coincidence? Probably; but thanks anyway!

Uniform number 2 - do we like this one more? Shall we stick with it?

She had her first dance class this week, too and loved that as well. The first week, I was supposed to take her, but got lost and couldn't find the stupid place. I was really worried that she'd be upset as she was really looking forward to it. I braced myself, turned to her and apologised and asked if she was OK. Her little shoulders were shaking in the back of the car and I feared the worst...... "oh Mum," she laughed, "you're SUCH a plonker!"

Finally, some good news about the house. Mr and Mrs Indecisive have signed up with a builder! Hoorraahh!! We are building a two storey house with Perceptions. It will take approx. eight weeks to get all the plans drawn up and six months for the builders to actually start work on site (has to go through shire planning etc), and completion should be Darcie's birthday......... 2008! Bugger! Never mind - good things come to he who waits. It's fab (we like it). It has a self-contained office for us, so when we do take on staff (for the visa requirements) they will be able to come and go if we are away, but only get into the office and the toilet. It has a home theatre, huge alfresco area and the kids bedrooms upstairs with an activity/fifth bedroom.

I

It's really daunting as we get to choose the colour of the render, roof tiles and window frames. I think I'll just let Paul choose - perhaps I've inherited Dad's taste and have a mad moment and order it tangerine colour. I think I should do that anyway - in Dad's honour. What do you reckon?