Monday, March 27, 2006


Chocolate Bilby!!


Hi all, thanks for tuning in to this week’s instalment of madness from Oz-trail-ya.

Well, what can I tell you this week? I’ve started my Easter Egg shopping this week and have been REALLY eggs-cited to see that they sell chocolate koalas, wombats and bilbies! Couldn’t resist and bought one of each. How fab that they have covered indigenous wildlife in choccy and we can have fun chomping their heads off! They do look cute, although Mum still thinks that the Easter Bunny is preferable to an Easter Bilby! I have to disagree.




The kids are fine. Sam’s gearing up for this week’s assembly that his class are taking. They have made papier mache animals and learnt songs about marsupials – I can’t wait. I shall be taking my camera and video – because I can!



On Saturday a few of the ex-pats from the forum met up in Mandurah. It was good to see everyone. The sun was shining and the kids played for hours. Fantastic!

We took the boat out yesterday and didn’t have a major mishap (for the first time!). Sam and Darcie both had a go at driving, although Darcie comes from the slalom school of motoring and we’re all left feeling queasy by the time she’s weaved her way up the river! I tie a rope around Adam and he then has the ‘freedom’ to roam around the boat – occasionally lasso-ing himself, but at least he doesn’t plop overboard! We went up and down the river for a while, then moored at a jetty where they had a climbing frame and a BBQ and we had a picnic lunch. The kids played in the water and made some friends and we stayed about two hours before going for a blam in the estuary. Whilst we were there, the mossies mistook me for an ‘all you can eat buffet!’, so I resemble the elephant man today with all my bumps! I’m sure if you did a dot to dot with them, there’d be a constellation – maybe Ursa Major – or the Plough! Or alternatively, if a blind man were to feel me, I’d probably be the equivalent of a newspaper article.



Paul and I had our photo taken today for an editorial they are running along side our ad in the local press. Good grief – would you buy a security system from these people? Paul looks like Grant Mitchell and I look like an extra from ‘Prisoner Cell Block H’. The sad thing is, this was the best one she took! I did ask her to ‘airbrush me’ so I looked tall and thin. She emailed me later to explain that in order for me to look thin, I was actually 7 feet tall and it made the house look out of proportion, so she would have to go with the original! Thanks mate!


We’ve had ten signs made up (like the one in the picture). We have distributed them around the neighbourhood in our attempt the ‘crack the Australian market’. It was funny the day we had them all lined up after I’d glued them. I said they were my chickens and christened them ‘the girls’. I swear after that they would all shuffle amongst themselves and change position. Anyhow, the ‘girls’ are now all out working their street corners…………… hope they are pulling in the punters!

Sam’s been a bit of a toad again lately, so Paul’s told him if he continues to misbehave, we will send him to boarding school. Paul explained that when his Uncle worked abroad, his cousins still went to school in England and flew backward and forward on their own. Sam thought about this for a while and asked how old they were now and what jobs they did. Paul explained that one has had his own IT business and the other was a film director. Quick as a flash, Sam replied, ‘oh well, at least if I have to go to boarding school, it’ll be good for my career!’ Where in heaven’s name does he get this stuff?

We took Adam out for lunch last week. We were just chatting when he picked up his cup, clattered it against mine and said really clearly ‘Cheers, mate!’. We laughed, so now it’s his new party trick and said at every possible occasion. I’m perservering with the potty training, (although I might have to wait until I’ve been shopping tomorrow to pick up some more kitchen towel!). Honestly, it’s like having a puppy in the house! He says ‘poo’, so I whip his nappy off and wheel out the potty and then he just smiles at me, shouts (really loudly), CAN’T and drops one on the lino. Thank heaven for wipeable flooring. Three times now he’s pooed on the floor. I wouldn’t mind, but I know he understands what is required of him. He’s just being a little shit – literally!

Just had to add this photo of Darcie for Mum. I complained that all the clothes in the shops now were winter ones; thick coats and knee high boots and I only wanted a pair of sandals for Miss Parcel. Quick as a flash, Mum grabbed her shopper, put on her head scarf, pulled her tights up over the waist-band of her skirt and she was in Clarks before you could jump-start a broomstick. This is Darcie modelling her ‘sensible school, navy blue sandals’. She also has a pair of beige ones with co-ordinating accessories and a spangly pair for dancing. Thanks, Mum! Love ya!



Got to go – Darcie’s just come up to me demanding clean-pipers to make the anna tennas for her egg box caterpillar. Never a dull moment, eh?

Thursday, March 16, 2006

This blog is like waiting for a bus - none along for ages, then two come at once.

I thought I'd post a few more piccies and give a bit more of an update of life in general......... bored yet? You will be!

On Wednesday's Darcie goes dancing. They laughingly refer to it as 'Jazz Ballet'. I would (more accurately, I believe) liken it to a room of twenty, five year olds with no co-ordination, stomping about like hippos wearing pink tutus! Darcie LOVES it and comes out every week convinced that she's like her namesake Darcey Bussell. (As an aside, we've renamed Darcie 'Little Miss Stuffett' - she ate her Muffett whilst she was waiting! Whenever you look at her lately, she's shoving something into her mouth!). After her first lesson, she informed me to buy her the uniform immediately, as she would be dancing until she retires!

Last week, however, she had a minor breakdown and a mini-retirement, claiming she couldn't possibly go dancing as she was 'exhausted'! I ask you? Five and exhausted? What will she be like by the time she's in her thirties with six kids, done three loads of washing, made six packed lunches, done two baskets of ironing and hoovered the lounge all before breakfast (and probably still gets moaned at by her hubby for forgetting to remind him to take his mobile with him when he left the house!).





This week, she was back on track though and was thrilled to be rewarded with a certificate for showing up - I'm sorry, that should say enthusiasm and effort!! I don't think she could have smiled any wider (she probably would have swallowed her head :-) So I have one very happy daughter this week.



Adam, on the other hand, was the picture of unhappiness today. We had a meeting in Perth, so we had to put him into childcare for a few hours. He's been there before and went rigid with fear and dread as soon as we approached the security doors. The Warders (sorry, childcare staff) are very nice and are used to prizing Adam off my shoulder now with expert ease. This week, it only took ten minutes for the indentations of his fingernails to 'pop out' of my fleshy arms! He would have got an Oscar for his acting today. He was totally grief stricken. There was sobbing and snot and everything! I hid round the corner for five minutes and was upset to discover he'd stopped! How quickly they forget? Felt like popping back round to pinch him - I warrant at least a half hours upset - I'm a GREAT mum! It didn't help that he fell asleep into he car before we arrived at the childcare place, so it kinda crept up on him. He wore himself out by stealing the ham sandwich I made him for lunch out of his lunchbox whilst Paul and I were involved in a 'double or quits' game of 'trust the sat nav, or not?'. A game we play frequently where we question the superior knowledge and guidance of the satellite navigation and try to fool it, by taking an alternative route. Good job she's pre-programmed with a patient, calming voice. She must feel like screaming out sometimes ' for F*&s sake - I said LEFT. Why do I bother? Why do you ask me in the first place if you're not going to listen to me??!!!'

Anyhow, we got to Perth eventually (we succumbed to the greater intelligence of the woman squeezed into a microchip and drove where we were told) and had the meeting. The guy from ADT treated us to lunch too, which was very nice - they had a whole bowl of melted milk chocolate and marshmallows with cocktail sticks that you dunked. I REALLY had to restrain myself from having a Dawn French moment when she put her whole head in the chocolate fountain! Wouldn't have looked that professional I guess!

When I went back to pick Adam up from the prisoner camp, he was asleep. Strapped in a buggy - apparently he's lashed out at another toddler when they dared to touch his hat and had to be restrained.............. only joking. He was really knackered, but kept rolling off the bed, so they put him in the buggy and he went out like a light. So I woke him up and carried him out to the car and he gave me the FILTHIEST looks ever! He is very much like me and will hold a grudge for as longs as is humanely possible. He whinged and moaned all the way home and scowled so hard at me that his eyebrows completely disappeared under a fold of forehead! He hates me! He spent the whole hour on the way back telling his trains what a bad parent I am and how nasty was I to put him in childcare without his complete compliment of rolling stock!


If you say to Adam that we're going out and get in the car, he rushes over to his train table and scoops up as many of Thomas's little pals as his chubby arms will support. You daren't not take them - it's just not worth the face! His personal best for a trip out is four large engines, two smaller ones and three tenders. He knows them all personally and heaven help you if you try and sneak one in your pocket when he's not looking - he has x-ray vision!

Paul went to the shop tonight while I took the kids to the beach (well, Sam and Darcie - Adam would rather have his fingernails pulled out with pliers than venture anywhere near the beach. He has asked me to write and petition the council to have the beach tarmaced as the sand gets in his sandals and the performance of his rolling stock is compromised). Paul was really sweet and brought back chocolate eggs for us all and dished them out in an 'Oscars' fashion. Sam got an award for doing good singing at school today (he was the best behaved and tried hardest in his class), Darcie got hers for her excellent Hippo - sorry dancing yesterday. Adam got one for being a good boy in childcare. and I got one for being an all round good egg!! Paul was most gutted at 7.30 when he realised that he's forgotten to get himself one and no-one would share! We love you, you are our provider and protector - just DON'T ask us to share our choccy!

Speaking of eggs, we're having our Easter Bunny hunt this year by torch light as it's too hot during the day. It won't be much fun discovering twenty pools of chocolate round the garden where the Bunny dropped an egg. Can't wait. Must make sure that batteries are fully charged in the torch, otherwise we'll end up with a chocolate egg with eight huge legs!!! :-)


Sam with his Templewood leaving card that he took to school for 'show and tell'

The kids on the biscuit

Photo of a dolphin as taken from our boat :-)

Off now to unfurrow my sons brow, iron my hippos tutu and polish my son's surf board. Have fun all.


Tuesday, March 14, 2006

It's Paul's Birthday!!!
(I know it says the 13th on the date, but it's actually the 14th today, so ner ner!!)

I couldn't put the right number of candles on - OK! There's a risk of bush fire here you know!

Paul with his pressie - a painting of the kids I had commissioned for him.

Well my lovelies, thought I’d post a little update from down under. We’ve been busy setting up the business etc, but we don’t have a great deal to show for it at the moment…… it will come. Starting the business in the UK took nearly a year to get any money rolling in and I don’t expect it to be any different here for a minute!

We have, however both passed our Police Licences! I am now a Registered Security Agent and Consultant and Paul is a Security Consultant. This means we can hire security guards, carry out crowd control administration and I quite fancy signing up for the firearms course :-) don't mess with me, I have PMT AND a hand gun! Took hours of studying and tears, that did, but we passed eventually (OK, OK, I was the one who had to take the test twice!) and today we have been issued with our licence numbers. Woo Hoo! I wouldn't mind, but we passed on 28th February and only got the numbers today after we chased them for the third time!

The kids are still very happy at school – although completely knackered! We don’t have half term over here, so when they started school on Feb 1st (apart from Bank Holidays of which we have had two!), they don’t get a week off until Easter!! It’s a long slog – especially for the littlies. At least they are happy and have made lots of friends.

Mr Cheese is growing up by the day. His vocabulary is increasing rapidly. It’s astonishing how much like Sam he is – he is never to be seen without a train in his hand. His first word in the morning is train and he takes a few to bed with him.

Now we have been here for a few months, I have compiled a list of things I love and things that I don’t love as much about Oz. It’s strange the things you miss (apart from friends and family, of course!). I miss being able to walk into town and meet pals for a coffee and cake in John Lewis. Paul misses country lanes(?). I miss Tesco – I know, I know, I NEVER thought I’d miss Tesco! Paul misses a good curry with the curry club! Ooohh, actually, I'd love a rake around Primark for half an hour too.

I LOVE…….

The fact that you can hang your washing out and before it’s even on the line, it’s almost dry!

I DON’T LOVE AS MUCH……..
The fact that it’s so windy and the rotary clothes line whizzes round fast, so I can bend down to pick up the next shirt to be pegged to the line, and get smacked in the face with a wet pair of Sam’s pants…… yuech!!

I LOVE…….

The weather! And the fact that you know when the forecast says ‘sun’, it really will be!!

I DON’T LOVE AS MUCH……..
The weather! And the fact that it can be as hot as 31ยบ at 8.45am and you can’t walk anywhere without dripping in perspiration and smelling like a damp dog!

I LOVE…….

Taking the boat out and watching dolphins at close range.

I DON’T LOVE AS MUCH……..
The supermarkets!! They are pants! I’ve worked it out that the aisles are too narrow and too tall. They do try and cheer them up be adding piped music, but even Samantha Fox singing ‘Touch me!’ doesn’t do enough to stop me wanting to slash my wrists by the time I get to the frozen peas! I honestly don’t know what record collection they dreg either to get the music for the shopping centres. I heard ‘You’re my favourite waste of time’ by that one-hit wonder Scottish bloke ‘Nothings gonna change my love for you’ by the Euro crooner who snogged someone on a beach in the video and ‘So macho’ by Sinitta in the space of a shoe shop and a butchers!

Do you know that over here you can buy coloured tampons (no, I don’t know why, either!), and KY jelly that heats automatically. They sell party pies, icy poles and paddle pops. Stubbies, eskies and ute’s. It’s all ‘good on yer’, ‘she’ll be right’ and ‘no worries’. This place certainly is different!

We went to the boat show in Hillary’s yesterday as a birthday treat for Paul. There were loads of VERY expensive boats there, but something for every budget too. We bumped into the salesman who we bought our boat from and he chuckled at some of our adventures. Wouldn’t want to run the one he was standing on onto a sandbank at $500,000 and 35 foot – Paul couldn’t just hop over the side and push that little beauty into deeper water! It was a nice day – there is a very nice coffee shop there and coffee and cake was very welcome. The kids had a play on the beach for an hour, then we headed off to Chutney Mary’s so Paul could ease his withdrawal symptoms and have a curry. You wouldn’t believe given the number of brits over here the lack of curry houses! It was very nice, but very different to the Bipash :-( Still, it was the spiciest thing that passed Paul’s lips in three months, so he was happy.

After that, we went to Perth Zoo to watch a Queen tribute act. They were very good and the lead singer REALLY sounded like Freddie Mercury. Sam got upset though when her went to the catering stand and wanted to buy Paul a beer for his birthday and they refused to serve him! Bless. He was so upset for ages about that.

Sunday we went to the Crab Fest in Mandurah, although I shall be writing to the council – three hours we were there and we didn’t see one sodding crab! Talk about Trades Descriptions! Although as everything is driven by the unions over here, perhaps one got mis-treated and it was a case of ‘one out – all out’. It was nice weather though and there were lots and lots of people there. They had power boat racing on the estuary (good job we didn’t take the boat out there today as we probably would have taken the wrong turn and found ourselves competing in a race!) and water skiing demonstrations.

Last week we went for a drive inland. It’s not until we came home and looked on Google Earth – we’d been driving for the best part of five hours and only went inland about half an inch on the map! It was typically Australian, some parts of the drive. There was no tarmac and if you looked behind the car, all you could see were clouds of red dust. If you looked to the front, only the yellow kangaroo warning signs and miles and miles of red road.

Typically Australian, isn't it? Not the place to run out of petrol!

We stumbled across the most amazing dam. It was 100 metres tall and the views were amazing. At the bottom there was a picnic area with crystal blue waters. You could see the Yabbies swimming (like little freshwater crayfish). It was lovely. Definitely somewhere we’d like to go back for a Barbie. We also visited a local miniature village based on Abingdon in Oxfordshire. It was beautiful – but it was one of the hottest days we’ve had since arriving, so we want to re-visit in the Spring when all the border plants should be in flower.

The kids at the miniature village.